When women feels loved, her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion.
When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash, however, is temporary. After she reaches bottom, suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically, her wave begins to rise back up. However, when her wave hits bottom, she is more vulnerable and needs more love.
If a woman feels loved and supported when she reaches her bottom, as suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love.
How men react to the wave?
Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
Men should not try to fix the wave pattern, as it just make matters worse. He is just preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.
Men should learn that when women is going down, they need to hit the bottom before they could come up. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention and support.
However, a man should not expect a woman to feel better right away. When a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported, she doesn’t necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But this is a sign that his support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. That is the cycle - to genuinely come up, a woman will first needs to hit bottom.
Recurring conversations and arguments
When a woman comes out of the well, she becomes her usual loving self again. However, this positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case.
When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again, he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the “well”.
When a woman’s unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying:
- “How many times do we have to go through this?”
- “I’ve heard all this before.”
- “When are you going to change?”
- “I don’t want to deal with this again!”
- “WTF! We are having the same argument.”
- “Why do you have so many problems?”
As a woman feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is a blessing of a loving relationship.
“In the beginning of the relationship, she seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy (sticky). I remember reassuring her that I loved her and she was important to me. A month later, she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so pissed off with her that we got into a big argument.”
Many other men shared this experience. After the peak of the wave, suddenly, a woman starts to feel very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention.
This was the beginning of the descent into her well. Even though, a man could have successfully solved this problem, the same thing happened later. Eventually, a man becomes much less understanding and accepting of his woman. He was impatient and was insulted that she would mistrust him again after reassured her of his love previously. In his defensiveness, he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result, arguments happen.
Recurrence of a woman’s neediness and insecurity is natural, inevitable and temporary. Men should understand this.
- A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into the well. He can expects these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.
- A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault or his failure. By being supportive, he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.
- A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience and understanding.
It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does greatly influence a woman’s communication with the man she intimately loves and needs. A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall.
Often, a woman becomes sticky overtime because she has always long for the intimacy she has ever wanted. Once a man starts to pull away, it is hard for a woman to experience the abandonment.
Men’s logic: “I have been giving you attention for the past few days. Shouldn’t that entitle me to a little time off? I have been giving to you all this time, now it’s time for me. You should be more secure and reassured about my love than ever.”
Women’s logic: “These past few days have been so wonderful. I have let myself open up and cling on to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention is more painful than ever. I started to really open up and then you pulled away.”
Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound. When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him, but if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear.
Men argue for the right to be free, while women argue for the right to be upset.
Men want space, while women want understanding.
When a man does not understand a woman’s neediness, he became irritable and thought, ‘I can’t be loving and intimate all the time!’…..Therefore, a man has to learn that by supporting her need to be heard, she could support his need to be free.
A man should not make a woman wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.
If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions. Similarly, as a man goes into his cave is the time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings.
By remembering this difference, a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.