When women feels loved, her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion.

When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash, however, is temporary. After she reaches bottom, suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically, her wave begins to rise back up. However, when her wave hits bottom, she is more vulnerable and needs more love.

If a woman feels loved and supported when she reaches her bottom, as suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love.

How men react to the wave?

Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

Men should not try to fix the wave pattern, as it just make matters worse. He is just preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love. 

Men should learn that when women is going down, they need to hit the bottom before they could come up. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention and support. 

However, a man should not expect a woman to feel better right away. When a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported, she doesn’t necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But this is a sign that his support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. That is the cycle - to genuinely come up, a woman will first needs to hit bottom.

Recurring conversations and arguments 

When a woman comes out of the well, she becomes her usual loving self again. However, this positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. 

When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again, he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the “well”. 

When a woman’s unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying:

1. “How many times do we have to go through this?”
2. “I’ve heard all this before.”
3. “When are you going to change?”
4. “I don’t want to deal with this again!”
5. “WTF! We are having the same argument.”
6. “Why do you have so many problems?”

As a woman feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is a blessing of a loving relationship.

Understanding neediness

“In the beginning of the relationship, she seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy (sticky). I remember reassuring her that I loved her and she was important to me. A month later, she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so pissed off with her that we got into a big argument.”

Many other men shared this experience. After the peak of the wave, suddenly, a woman starts to feel very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention. 

This was the beginning of the descent into her well. Even though, a man could have successfully solved this problem, the same thing happened later. Eventually, a man becomes much less understanding and accepting of his woman. He was impatient and was insulted that she would mistrust him again after reassured her of his love previously. In his defensiveness, he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result, arguments happen.

Recurrence of a woman’s neediness and insecurity is natural, inevitable and temporary. Men should understand this. 

• A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into the well. He can expects these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.
• A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault or his failure. By being supportive, he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.
• A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience and understanding.

It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does greatly influence a woman’s communication with the man she intimately loves and needs. A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall.

Often, a woman becomes sticky overtime because she has always long for the intimacy she has ever wanted. Once a man starts to pull away, it is hard for a woman to experience the abandonment. 

Men’s logic: “I have been giving you attention for the past few days. Shouldn’t that entitle me to a little time off? I have been giving to you all this time, now it’s time for me. You should be more secure and reassured about my love than ever.”

Women’s logic: “These past few days have been so wonderful. I have let myself open up and cling on to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention is more painful than ever. I started to really open up and then you pulled away.”

Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound. When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him, but if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear. 

Men argue for the right to be free, while women argue for the right to be upset. 
Men want space, while women want understanding.

When a man does not understand a woman’s neediness, he became irritable and thought, ‘I can’t be loving and intimate all the time!’…..Therefore, a man has to learn that by supporting her need to be heard, she could support his need to be free.

A man should not make a woman wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt. 

If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions. Similarly, as a man goes into his cave is the time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings. 

By remembering this difference, a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most. 

Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on Mars, it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. 

Women, however, say “I’m sorry” as a way to say “I care about what you are feeling.” It doesn’t mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. 

Men who rarely say “I’m sorry” can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian language. 

The easiest way to derail an argument is to say “I’m sorry.”

Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman’s feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly. 

Many times when we argue, it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I have to apologize for upsetting you. 

Remembering women are from Venus, men should practice not blaming women for being upset.

Typical scenario:

1. A woman expresses her upset feelings about “XYZ.”
2. A man explains why she shouldn’t be upset about “XYZ.”
3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset being invalidated than about “XYZ.”)
4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.
5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

A woman cannot appreciate a man’s solution until he validates her need to be upset. Just as women need validation, men need approval.

Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the women they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her feel better. What he doesn’t know if that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.

Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element.

It is not WHAT we say that hurts, but HOW we say it.

To avoid arguing, we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes TWO to argue, but it only takes ONE to stop an argument.

The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument.

Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. 

Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

Understanding the male intimacy cycle

When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. 

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically, he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs.

A woman should never take the pulling away behaviour personally. The more a woman tries to get closer - she is preventing him from stretching to his full distance and then springing back, preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to be with her. This makes a man to pull away further. 

A man should understand that a woman may felt hurt when he pulled away. He has to understand that woman generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. 

Why men pulled away?

Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. Women should not panic, instead, women should understand that this is just part of men’s intimacy cycle. The more a woman accepts a man at those time of pulling away, the sooner he will return. 

The rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much for a woman but suddenly pull away. When he pulls away, it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns, then he is available to talk.

To a certain extent, a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants and emotions, he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous. 

A man may also describe this pulling away as a feeling of ‘I need some space’ or ‘I need to be alone’. It is an instinctual urge, a man does not decide to pull away.

Women should bear in mind not to punish or chase after a man and prevent him from pulling away. Give him some time.

When to talk with a man?

When a man is pulling away, it is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk.

A woman should always remember that men are from Mars and they don’t feel the need to talk as much. A woman needs to let the man know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. Men need to feel accepted.

“I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me.”

Men need to be trusted, appreciated and accepted. A man will grow to understand his own cycles and reassures her that when he pulls away, he will be back.

To enrich our relationships, we need to make little changes.

Giving some reassurance when a man goes into his cave is a small change that a man can make without changing his nature. To make this change, he must realize that women really do need some reassurance, especially if they are to worry less. 

When a man becomes quiet, he is saying “I need some time to think about this, please stop talking to me. I will be back.”

He doesn’t realize that a woman may hear “I don’t love you, I can’t stand listening to you, I am leaving and I am never coming back!” 

For men, by learning to say the four magic words - I Will Be Back, it will make a profound difference. Women greatly appreciate this reassurance.

A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw. 

When a man is silent, it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn’t want to talk to a person because she didn’t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. 

NO WONDER WOMEN BECOME INSECURE WHEN A MAN SUDDENLY BECOMES QUIET!

Women misinterpret a man’s silence. Women need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed, he will automatically stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need to gradually learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine. 

However, it is difficult for women because it just doesn’t seem loving to abandon her favourite man when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and offer him help. 

This only upsets Men more. Women’s intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive. It is important for woman to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. Men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset.

Woman: Is there something wrong?

Man: No

But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave, she unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again.

Woman: I know something is bothering you, what is it?

Man: It’s nothing.

Woman: It’s not nothing. Something’s bothering you. What are you feeling?

Man: Look, I’m fine. Now leave me alone!

Woman: How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feeling? You don’t love me. I feel so rejected by you.

At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later.

Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel and react.

Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. 

When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted or hopeless, what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. 

Empathy, understanding, validation and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. 

Men don’t realize this, because their Martian instincts tell them it’s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays, he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.

-John Gray-

To feel better, men go to their caves to solve problems alone.

When a man gets upset, he never talks about what is bothering him. He becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. 

To feel better, women get together and openly talk about their problems.

When a woman becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When women share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless and exhausted, they suddenly feel better. For women, sharing problems with another is considered a sign of love and trust, not a burden.

However, women generally do not understand how men cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way women do.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical. 

By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. 

On the other hand, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. 

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man can be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings. Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue.

A man needs to understand that a woman has the right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If a woman does not feel understood, then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

A man does not know that she will appreciate it if he just listens. A woman is not looking for solution from the man, but rather his caring and understanding. 

-John Gray-

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
   
   *A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset.*
   
    
2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.  
   
   *A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested.*

Man need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems, it’s not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

Woman need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism - especially if he has made a mistake - make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom.